A.K.A. Three Genetic Traits My Kids Can Look Forward To
Do I talk about my hypothetical future kids far too often? Very possibly. But so help me, having kids before I die is like my number one life goal. It’s not my number one goal at this particular time in my life (or even on the radar as a reasonable option for the next 5-10 years), but definitely an eventual hope someday.
My comprehension of genetics is pretty minimal, but I do understand that, depending on the mother, some, none, or all of these traits may or may not carry over depending on various dominant and recessive genes and whatnot. But whatever. Not the point.
1. Absurdly slow aging
We Abels are like Benjamin Button, except instead of aging backwards, we just age forward really, really slowly. Almost to the point where it’s like we don’t age at all. Behold:
Age 17………………………….Age 19………………………….Age 21
That’s right. After age 17, we’re pretty much done. Presumably, by Age 30 I MAY be able to look 21, but that’s yet to be verified (my 30-year-old sister might pass for as old as 23).
Since I’m sure you’re wondering (if you’ve actually read this far) what sparked this topic at all, this trait is the big culprit. My beloved grandmother was coming to NC for a short stay so I took the day off from work to drive with my mother to the airport to pick up ol’ young Mamie. On the way to the airport, we stopped at a Farmer’s Market to pick up some strawberries and the woman selling the strawberries made the apt judgment that we must be mother and son based on our blue eyes and dark hair.
She then proceeded to ask how old I was (not sure why?), to which I answered 22 – since that is how old I am. The woman acted understandably shocked saying she expected me to say 16 or 17, most likely because I look 16 or 17. I then prodded her to honestly answer how old she thought my mom was with the knowledge that I was 22. She said 38. My mom is 55. And apparently she looks like she would’ve had a kid at 16. I don’t know if I’m more amused or disgusted by that thought.
But yes: Abels don’t age. Not very much at least.
2. Mutant Matabolism
I eat like a damn monster. Lunch today was three slices of pizza. Dinner was a Tons of Fun Burger (bun, pickles, cheese, 1/3rd lb. patty, special sauce, bun, cheese, 1/3rd lb. patty, pickles special sauce, bun) from Cheesecake Factory with a side of fries and a chocolate brownie sundae something or other (three triangular super-rich chocolate brownies and two scoops of ice cream) for dessert.
I am 6′1″ and weigh between 155 and 165 depending on the day. I am incapable of gaining weight. Period. It does not happen. If the mother of my children is anywhere near my size, my kids are going to be f*cking invisible. You know Samuel L. Jackson’s Mr. Glass character in Unbreakable? That will be my offspring if I somehow end up with some anorexic looking super-model.
I spend more money on food than anything else on a month to month basis, but you’d never know it from looking at me. I probably average 1,500 calories per meal, my job consists of sitting at a desk for 8 hours, and my general exercise regime in college consisted of walking from the parking lot to the classroom.
An added bonus of this is a seemingly small bladder, but I’m pretty sure it’s mostly the fact that my body just seems to hate holding on to anything remotely reminiscent of nutrients for longer than half an hour.
3. Blue eyes
No, these aren’t really a super-power. At all. But two things does not constitute a list, so I’m using this as a third.
Both of my parents have blue eyes. All of my siblings and I also have blue eyes. All of this is somehow despite the fact that it’s a waaaay recessive gene and my grandpa on my Dad’s side definitely has brown eyes (not sure about my Mom’s father since he passed when I was pretty young). Super power? No. But still kind of cool because I feel like we kicked genetics right in the balls on this one.
May 13th, 2009 at 6:43 am
This was a fun article. My superpowers are:
Extremely high sense of Luck. I don’t have to explain how lucky I am. My best example is how I got those Wicked tickets in that raffle.
Finding an Inner Strength. I don’t think it’s strong enough to constitute as super strength, but when I ran a 5K this weekend, towards the end (when I was about ready to drop dead), some girl tried passing me, and it set off this inner power I have. With my left shoe falling half off, I began to sprint and passed like three more people in front of me. I tapped into some hidden energy.
And the third power is a little unclear to me. It could still be the Luck thing, or go hand in hand with it. It may be some sort of premonition, where instead of seeing the future, I just feel it (not like a deja vu, although I have those all the time). I thought it may be the ability to kinda read minds, because sometimes I can tell exactly what someone is feeling and can finish their thought. But that doesn’t explain how sometimes I avoid disaster by seconds. (I almost got in a car accident the other day, but my “spidey sense” tingled and saved me) But I think it’s more premonition, because if it’s premonition, I’m not really reading people’s thoughts, I just know how they’re going to react in the next couple of seconds. So it could be something, I’m just not sure what that something is.
Looking back at how much I wrote, I should’ve just done a guest blog.
May 13th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Time to drop some knowledge…..
Well the fact that your parents have blue eyes, if one of their parents had brown, is awesome. But to have blue eyes you need to have the genetic marker bb (lower case for recessive) and bb (once again recessive) the punnet square (tool for figuring out odds of genetics) would look like this
| b | b
___|____|____
b | b | b
____________
b | b | b
So the fact that both your parents have blue eyes means that you could ONLY have blue eyes.
http://www.thetech.org/genetics/ask.php?id=59
So you kicked nothing in the balls.
It’s all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks, you bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed, and sterilized, so you get NOTHING, YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!
May 13th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Aww formatting fail. on my last comment.
_|b|b|_
b|b|b|_
b|b|b|_
May 13th, 2009 at 10:41 am
That’s actually an excellent point, now that I think about it, Allwine. Recessive would only be able to bear recessive so that makes complete sense. But still, my dad at least kicked genetics in the balls so I have some faith that my kids may be able to do the same and rock the recessive.
And Hecht, next time you should just do a guest blog.
And glad you showed that girl who was boss, even if you did cheat by using your super-powers to do so.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Papa had blue eyes. Only two out of the 21 grandkids have brown eyes: Noelle and Brett—because their mother had brown eyes (but Reid B. ended up with blue, go figure).
And that super-metabolism . . . must be a superpower derived from both sides of your family, because it’s definitely not a dominant gene on the McLellan side or it would have overtaken my “look at food and gain weight” gene from my dad’s side.
The “Benjamin Button” reference is apt . . . only in my case, it was that I looked like I was in my mid-twenties from about age 12 until . . . well, hopefully still now, but I’d at least hope I can pass for a few years younger than I actually am (being the age that the lady *thought* your mom was).
May 13th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Yeah, I asked Mamie about Papa earlier today around lunch-time and found out he was also blue-eyed. For some reason I always thought Uncle Richard and Uncle Reid had brown eyes, but from talking to Mamie it sounds like Papa very specifically informed her she “better not be having any brown-eyed babies”, and I guess it turns out she didn’t.
The metabolism seems mostly from my mother, from what I can tell. Supposedly she was barely 100 pounds when she and my dad got married. Though both of my dad’s brothers are also on the skinny side for sure, so it’s possible I also get it from my his mother who seems like she’s always been pretty petite.
I haven’t seen you since two Christmases ago, Kaye, but I think I’d guess you were in your late 20s if I didn’t know otherwise. The lack of aging thing seems to be pretty widespread on the McLellan side. Randy, Ray, Bucky, you, Michelle, Sarah, Seth, Elijah, and I all strike me as looking considerably younger than we actually are.