SB

If the tree of life were a factual piece of foliage, I’m pretty sure it’s sap would be Lava sauce.

The Double Decker Taco

What is it?

The Double Decker Taco is a hard shell taco filled with beef and cheese that has a soft shell stuck around it with refried beans all for the beautiful price of $1.49. It normally comes with lettuce, and the day I morph into a cow I will GLADLY allow that lettuce to stay on my food. In the meantime, “No lettuce” is an essential part of my preferred ordering etiquette.

How is it?

Really awesome, plus, it has alliteration in the title for bonus points. I’m not sure why I hadn’t ever ordered one before now, but for a buck fifty this has to be one of the most filling low-budget items on their menu. Fortunately for me, I have the body of Jack Skellington and the stomach of a Rancor. A hint of fire sauce put this above and beyond my old favorite, the $.99 soft taco, and the soft shell wrapping keeps things from getting too messy with the crumbling crunchy shell.

How is it with Lava?

Oh my f*cking god. That’s how it is with Lava. Take an item that’s really good with out Lava, and add Lava to it and the result is obviously going to be really, really insanely good. That’s science. I didn’t make the rules, I just enforce them. Considering this still comes out to a measly $1.79 when you add Lava, I’d have to admit it comes highly recommended.

Good work Taco Bell. You have redeemed yourself for the rip-off known as the Ranchero Chicken Soft Taco.

You may or may not know this, but Taco Bell’s “Lava Sauce” (the special sauce on their Volcano-coined creations) is the best sauce on the entire planet. What few people realize is that you can order this addictively delicious ingredient added onto any item on the entire menu for an additional thirty cents. Ever since I discovered this, my need for the sauce has nearly consumed me. While I’ve gotten my self-control up to the level that allows me to only indulge in God’s personally prepared topping once or twice per week, there was a time for about a month where I was going literally every single day. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) for me, I was able to get my girlfriend hooked on the sauce just as bad. If we missed a day, we’d go twice the next day. It was THAT consuming.

Now that I’ve gotten myself weened down to a solo or double dose every week, I’ve decided to push the limits of the lava by gradually ordering it on every single item on the menu. Every week I’ll get two versions of a single item on the menu: one with lava, one without, and record my findings here. My only rules are no lettuce (because what the FUCK is the point of lettuce?) and no onions because I’m allergic. It’s like Super Size Me but a billion times more delicious because LAVA SAUCE.

First up:

The Ranchero Chicken Soft Taco

I’m going to start taking my own pictures with my phone, but I totally forgot this time.

What is it?

The Ranchero Chicken Soft Taco is basically their $.89 soft taco, except somewhere along the way they think it’s justified to charge an entire goddamn dollar to add ranch to it. It also comes with “fiesta sauce” which includes raw onions, and I wasn’t really in the mood to puke so I passed on that. Lettuce is also included because this is a clever way restaurants have found to pack all foods with flavorless rabbit food so their items will look bigger. No thank you.

How is it?

It’s good, but it’s not worth $1.89 to get ranch dressing on your dollar menu taco. Come on, Taco Bell. THINK.

How is it with Lava?

As my girlfriend pointed out when I floated this idea out there, this is going to quickly get redundant as hell because the answer will almost always be “better”. Well, guess what, it’s better. The ranch and lava actually worked together pretty awesomely to rock my taste buds just right. Is it worth the final cost of $2.29 for one taco? Nope, but you really probably shouldn’t bother with this option to begin with. Go home and add your own ranch if that’s really what you want.