SB

A.K.A. Old Chicago’s World Beer Tour: Session 3

This was a semi-surprise session. Granted, it was Sunday so it wasn’t a huge surprise, but as far as I knew I was just planning to watch friends play volleyball at Capt. Bill’s Outdoor Grill while drinking whatever happened to be there. This resulted in me deciding to have an official back to back showdown between Blue Moon and Newcastle.

Blue Moon was on tap, Newcastle turned out to just be cans (which I poured into a cup, because f*ck cans). And yet, Newcastle still won and became my third choice just in time for the final match. Mystery SOLVED.

Since the last volleyball match ended at pretty much the time we’d usually head over to Old Chicago anyway, we decided to go add a beer or two to our tours. Somehow this became four despite the fact that I had already had three at Capt. Bill’s. Luckily I had eaten WAY more this week (for whatever reason I never remember to eat on Sundays after breakfast around 11), so it was sitting a thousand times better with me. Last week kicked my ass after four. This week, a big cheeseburger and some buffalo strips managed to make “7″ feel more like “3″. I’m like a scientist.

Beer 9: Carlsberg Lager (Denmark)

Have you ever wondered what gasoline tastes like? Apparently someone in Denmark did and unfortunately for my taste buds Denmarkians don’t wonder about things and then sit on their asses. They DO something about it. Carlsberg lager seems to be the result of a terrible experiment that resulted from such wonderings. Old Chicago’s delicious buffalo tenders helped me choke this shit down by balancing “awesome” against “atrocious” in order to average out as “sort of bearable”. But this sucked. Awful, awful start to the night.

Beer 10: Dos Equis (Mexico)

The one time I ever had a Corona put me off even trying other Mexican beer, so when I asked my friend to recommend something decent to follow up Gasoline Lite, I was a little skeptical when he pointed at something on Mexico’s list. Dos Equis really wasn’t bad though. In fact, compared to Carlberg this barely had any flavor. It tasted more like water mixed with Bud Light or something – though I suppose this could be just because Carlsberg was SO horrible, that Dos Equis tasted incredibly mild by comparison. It definitely wasn’t bad, but I’m not sure why anyone would order one on a regular basis.

Beer 11: Smirnoff Ice Malt (Canada)

Since Dos Equis had done nothing to wash the taste of Carlsberg out of my mouth, I decided I wanted something sweet. I had actually ordered a mug of Woodchuck, but I came back from the restroom to discover a Smirnoff Ice sitting in front of my seat (ordered by my friend since it turned out Woodchuck was out). Now, I like Smirnoff Ice just fine – it tastes exactly like alcoholic Sprite so you really can’t bitch TOO much. But suffice to say, it’s not a bottle any man really wants blatantly sitting in front of them at a bar. I drank it as quickly as possible without chugging and promptly asked the bartender to rid me of its presence. It’s a good drink. It’s just not one guys are allowed to order for themselves in public. I guess I’m glad it was technically ordered for me by someone else to knock it off my Tour list so I could dodge eventually having to order it myself.

Beer 12: Peroni Nastro Azzuro Lager (Italy)

With a Smirnoff Ice down, I decided it was necessary to man up and order something a little more bold while knocking out an entire country. Italy only had one beer representing on the Tour, but since I was still on the defensive from Carlsberg (the result of the last time I decided “Hey, this country only has one beer!”), I decided to ask the bartender if it was completely horrible. She said it wasn’t that bad and thirty seconds later I had a bottle in front of me. She was right; it wasn’t that bad. Since my buffalo chicken was long gone by now, it was just me and the beer. With some food to accompany it this might’ve made the jump to “meh”, but by itself it maxed out as “bearable.” Would definitely not order it again, but I’ve had way worse.

All in all, tonight was a pretty mediocre night for discovering anything new to like, but as my friend pointed out the bad beers can be almost as fun as the good ones just because they make better stories. Between the beers, the volleyball matches, the buffalo chicken, going four for four in pool, and the bar’s very own drunken birthday girl, it was a really fun night.

I love Sundays.

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Disclaimer: I make NO claim to be a beer connoisseur. I’m not judging based on being able to taste “this level of wheat” compared to “this thickness of foam” or whatever people that know things about beer care about. I don’t care about any of that. This is just based on how it tastes to me.

A.K.A. Old Chicago’s World Beer Tour: Session 2

Session 1 went down last week with a sort of disgusting 50/50 hit and miss ratio. This week was almost better enough to make me consider changing the “Caleb Hates Most Beer” title, but then I remembered I will probably still end up hating like at LEAST 75% of Old Chicago’s 110 world beer collection, so the name will be staying unless I hit like four weeks in a row with such an enjoyable good/bad percentage.

Beer 5: Harp Lager (Ireland)

Since I decided to do absolutely nothing at all for St. Patrick’s day earlier this week, I figured it was only fair that I half-assedly attempt to redeem myself by kicking off Session 2 with something Irish. Turns out that was a bad decision. This was awful. It was maybe a little better than Red Stripe in that only the aftertaste resembled my imagination’s assumption of what fermented urine might taste like. It also had a nice, normal bottle. Like the kind humans might normally drink out of, compared to Red Stripes’ bottle of stupid. But still, I really, really didn’t like Harp. At all. Awful way to start the night.

Beer 6: Flying Dog Old Scratch Amber Lager (Colorado, America)

I mainly picked this one because that name is ridiculous. Turns out it’s like the official beer of Hunter S. Thompson or something? Not that that especially means anything to me, but it does have really awesome artwork (I realized when I researched it later – I ordered a pint at the time). This was actually not bad at all. Maybe I just really like Colorado, but between this and Blue Moon, I very much like that Coloradian flavor. It’s still not beating out Blue Moon as far as straight beer goes, but I would not complain if someone offered me one.

Beer 7: Newcastle (England)

And this is where Blue Moon suddenly made the transition to “Maybe not my favorite beer anymore.” Newcastle was awesome. It was smooth, there was no aftertaste, it went down great, and to top it all off apparently it’s a f*cking beast on alcohol-content compared to other beers sitting at nearly 10% (most beers are around 5-6%). On the one hand, I was glad I ordered a pint because it was pretty damn fantastic, but at the same time I think this is the main culprit that put me a little over the edge from tipsy to drunk-ish (yeah, after three beers – 1 bottle, 2 pints – I’m a hyperlightweight). This may become my go-to beer. England is a pretty cool country.

Beer 8: Eclipse (Beer cocktail: Guinness + Blue Moon)

After how awesome Snakebite was last week, I decided another beer cocktail would be a good way to end the night. I very, very much like Blue Moon, and I enjoy what Guinness I’ve had, so this one sounded good to me. And it was. Given that the Cocktails cost a little more than just picking one beer, I don’t know that this tasted good enough to re-order it regularly, but it wasn’t a bad drink at the time.

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Disclaimer: I make NO claim to be a beer connoisseur. I’m not judging based on being able to taste “this level of wheat” compared to “this thickness of foam” or whatever people that know things about beer care about. I don’t care about any of that. This is just based on how it tastes to me.

Today at work, my haircut was a topic far longer than it should’ve been. As such, I ended up promising a co-worker I’d write to break down my attitude towards my hair and just how little I care. How it’s easier to just cut all off, wait til it grows back, then cut it again.

I got a haircut yesterday because my hair was getting long enough to start annoying me. And so began Stage 1 of my hair’s neverending cycle. For the sake of this article, I’m currently 22, but the picture examples are from anytime in between age 19 and now. Partially because I hate having my picture taken so there’s not much to choose from as far as similar-angle shots go and partially because I stopped aging at all around Age 17.

Stage One: The “Six Foot Tall Six Year Old Boy” Stage

(picture taken as my Mother’s Christmas request a couple years back)

When I get a haircut I don’t bother with any of the fancy details. I’m not gonna gel it because spending more than 30 seconds on my hair makes me feel like a narcissistic prick. Likewise, I hate unnatural colors, so dying isn’t happening either. Every time I’ve gotten a haircut the most specific I’ve gotten was saying, “This (points at head), but 6 times shorter.” As you can imagine, this plus my inability to grow a full beard leaves me  looking like a 6′1″ six year old for at least a couple weeks since this is a very similar attitude a six year old might carry towards their hair.

Stage 2: The “I Might Believe You If You Told Me This Kid Was Old Enough to Drive” Stage

After a couple weeks, the hair has a little time to grow out of that “just cut for first grade picture day” look, resulting in me possibly pulling off Age 15 or so. It still take very minimal effort to maintain – maybe as much as ten seconds. Still looks sort of stupid-ish, but I’m just that lazy. Ear visability: 100%. R-rated Movie Ticket Carding Likelihood: 75%

Stage 3: The “I’m Fairly Positive That Kid Can Probably Drive” Stage.

At this stage, I officially look like I might be 16. Maybe even 17 or 18 if I’m lucky. Maintenance has jumped up to a bearable 15 seconds, and of all the stages my lazy-ass hair goes through, this is one is up there for me. Ears are still mostly visible at this point (maybe 70%), but prepare to say goodbye to them. Chances of me getting ID’d for an R-rated movie have dropped to 40%.

Stage 4: The “Hippy on the Rise” Stage

See, the problem with my hair is that it doesn’t grow long. It grows big. After Stage 3 everything starts to curl, resulting in a bit of a Jew-fro, which is a little odd since I’m like 75% German. Still, I’m a fan of this stage. I can pass for 18 or 19 with far fewer questions. Ear visability has dropped to about 30% and R-rated movie ticket carding is at it’s lowest probability (10%?). There are entirely too many percentages in this paragraph.

Stage 5: The “Oh My God, a Hippy” Stage.

I’m not posting a picture of this one. In fact, the only photographic evidence I seem to have of it is my Driver’s License, which I’m sure is really impressive for anyone that needs i.d. me, because clearly I found the strength within myself to stop smoking, shooting, and snorting [none of which I've ever done anyway] between the time I got this i.d. and the time you see me now. It looks terrible. If you want to see it, ask me to show you my license sometime, but there’s no way I’m scanning it for the internet.

So all in all, there you have it: The five stages of my hair. By the fifth stage it’s just a matter of seeing how long I can put up with it before it annoys me too much. I’d estimate I get my hair cut three times a year, tops. I just can’t bring myself to care that much.

I’m going to get carded for alcohol until I’m sixty. You enjoy your wrinkles Mr. and Ms. “I look my age”.

A.K.A. Old Chicago’s World Beer Tour: Session 1

So the restaurant chain Old Chicago apparently has a World Beer Tour where you attempt to drink 110 different beers from around the planet (maxed out at 4 new beers per day). Now, this is going to be interesting because I definitely have a record of hating beer. I’m more of a liquor + soda kinda guy. I figure if you’re going to get drunk, get drunk fast. However, some of my friends from work go on a regular basis, and it’s good company, so at the very least it’ll be a fun project. Maybe this will expand my beer horizons. Or maybe this will make me hate beer on a much broader scale.

On the plus side, this experiment should theoretically at least be interesting based on the fact that I’ve tried MAYBE ten different beers in the past year that I’ve been drinking. So nearly everything is guaranteed to be a new experience.

Beer 1: Blue Moon (Colorado, America)

I ordered this one before I was even aware of the World Tour. Why? Because Blue Moon stands as the only beer I’ve tried that I’ve actually enjoyed. There have been a few beers I’ve tolerated and a majority of beers I absolutely loathe, but Blue Moon stands as the only beer I actually like drinking.

Beer 2: Samuel Adams LIGHT (Massachusetts, America)

Alright, so far I’m off to an incredibly boring start. Two American beers. Clearly, I’m a risk-taker. What made this one even worse was that despite the bartenders question of “Regular or Light” and my answer of “Regular”, she somehow pulled out a Light and popped off the cap in a span of about three seconds, sliding it in front of me seemingly without realizing at all. I didn’t have time to react. Even the person next to me caught it and re-asked the question after the bartender had disappeared, “Didn’t you ask for a regular?” Indeed I did. But, having worked fast food, I’m not one to complain to anyone in the service industry, so I sucked it up.

The problem is: I f*cking HATE light beer. It doesn’t really hide the terrible taste of beer-beer, it just makes me burpy which makes me feel gross. Really gross. I hate it. Taste wise it wasn’t awful, but I felt like I was drinking sweat-flavored soda with how burpy it made me. I’d rather have a dark beer that drinks like syrup than a light beer that drinks like air. What’s the point?

Beer 3: Red Stripe (Jamaica)

Oh, god, this was a f*cking bottle of ass. There was less burping, but that seemed enthusiastically replaced with god-awful taste. I’ve never drunk fermented urine, but I’d imagine it’s something similar to Red Stripe. Even the bottle is retarded. I felt like I was drinking out of a glass medicine bottle.

Beer 4: Snakebite (Beer cocktail: Guinness + Hard Cider)

The Red Stripe made me so bitchy that didn’t even want to try anything else unless my friends could recommend something that would actually taste decent. Snakebite was the verdict. Given that I tend to prefer mixed drinks anyway, this was fantastic. I would absolutely order this again.

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Disclaimer: I make NO claim to be a beer connoisseur. I’m not judging based on being able to taste “this level of wheat” compared to “this thickness of foam” or whatever people that know things about beer care about. I don’t care about any of that. This is just based on how it tastes to me.

Last night I posted a lazily constructed list of ten fictional places I would like to visit. Tonight, I decided to make up for it by posting an equally lazy list of places I would never ever want to visit no matter how much I love the movies that showed them to me. Maybe these kind of lists are better somehow. Sort of. They’re just quick and dirty, easy reads.

10. Libria (Equilbrium)

No art. No music. No books. No movies. No emotions. For a utopia, this place sounds like hell.

9. Barrow, Alaska (30 Days of Night)

I hate being cold, and while Mystery, Alaska’s hockey-lovingness was enough to make me forget that, risk of being annihilated by vampires is not. Nothing remotely good could come from living here.

8.Room 1408 (1408)

This seems to be a movie people either love or hate. I loved it. The idea of a room that takes all of your greatest fears and just completely tears your conscience apart is quite creepy to me.

7. Alien Planet (Alien)

Here. Just watch this and tell me how excited you are about going to whateverthehell the name of this planet was.

6. Jumanji (Jumanji)

Lauren put this on her list of places she DID want to visit. Why? I have no idea. The mosquitoes have to be battled with tennis rackets. What about that is appealing? Imagine the spiders!

5. Tatooine (Star Wars)

You know what sucks? Sand. It’s so course and rough. Not like you. You’re smooth and warm. You what else sucks? Sandpeople. I’d kill them all. And not just the men. But the women. AND CHILDREN. I HATE THEM.

But seriously. Two suns? No thank you.

4. Gotham City (Batman)

Gotham is a dump, for starters. I don’t know any actual statistics, but I think it’s safe to say its made up of 67% criminals. Then when you factor in all the crazy supervillains it seems to attract, I think I’d rather avoid getting blown up while trying to take a fairy across the river.

3. Sparta (300)

There’s a scene at the very beginning of the movie where the narrator explains how the Spartans would throw their weak babies off a cliff if they weren’t strong enough. I absolutely would’ve gotten tossed if I’d been born in Sparta. I’m pretty sure if I showed up now, they’d toss me in the bottomless pit just because they could.

2. Vogsphere (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)

Thinking at all gets you slapped in the face. Seriously.

1. Jurassic Park (Star Wars)

This one seems a little bittersweet. In theory, the idea of a theme park with dinosaurs sounds like a dream come true but when Michael Crichton and Steven Spielberg show you the worst case scenario of such a place, it’s pretty terrifying.

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The following item was deleted from the list after the revelation that it wasn’t fictional:

9. Nottingham (Robin Hood)

Robin Hood seems cool and all, but when you break down the reason he exists, Nottingham sounds like quite the crappy place to visit. The Sheriff is a total douchebag, no one has any money, the king is an idiot. Everything sucks except Robin Hood himself and maybe the foxy Maid Marian (pun intended?).

I stole this idea from my good friend Lauren. This list ended up being much less detailed than I originally intended, so I apologize for the brevity of these descriptions, but I’m tired. Too tired to even look for pictures right now. Lauren’s list is mostly made of places I would also like to visit, so be sure to check it out since the only rule I set for this list was no repeats.

10. Whoville (The Grinch)

I love Christmas, the Who’s love Christmas – it just seems like a fun place to be around the holidays. The decorations alone would be worth a weekend trip, and I can’t imagine missing Whobilation (or whatever it was called).

9. Endor (Star Wars: Return of the Jedi)

The Star Wars movies were a huge part of my childhood, as I like to believe they were part of all true American boys’ childhoods. When I was little, Return of the Jedi was my favorite which also led to a love of the terrible(y awesome) Ewok movies. Giant teddy bears that could KILL Stormtroopers? What about that equation isn’t awesome? I want Wicket to be my friend.

8. Minas Tirith (Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King)

Lauren took the other two best places from Middle Earth, but Minas Tirith is possibly the greatest architectural achievement of the bunch. I may only want to walk up to the top and come back down just so I could say I did, but that isn’t the point.

7. Pride Rock (The Lion King)

If you know me, you should know that The Lion King stands quite strongly as my favorite Disney movie of all time. I’d love to stand on top of Pride Rock. Particularly while holding a lion cub and having the entire animal kingdom bow in reverence.

6. Narnia (The Chronicles of Narnia)

Two words: Talking animals. Need I say more? If I must: Centaurs, fauns, minotaurs, unicorns, pegasi (?), hypogryphs, gryphons.

5. Hogwarts (The Harry Potter series)

I’ve never read the books, and after an official attempt I’m quite positive I never will, but the movies have given me plenty of reasons to think Hogwarts would be a cool place to check out. Moving stairways and quidditch probably top the list.

4. Mystery, Alaska (Mystery, Alaska)

It’s a small Alaskan town that lives and breathes hockey, i.e. the greatest sport on the planet. Sounds like fun.

3. Neverland (Hook)

Unlike Lauren’s list, this is specifically Steven Spielberg’s version of Neverland. Why? Because it’s the best.

2. Yubaba’s Bath-house (Spirited Away)

This place is kind of like a cross between Narnia, Japan, and…like, Wonderland or something. Mythical creatures win again.

1. Men in Black Headquarters (Men in Black)

Okay, let’s be honest, I just want full access to their training room and weapon stock. That’s about it.

So, apparently Michael Jackson is auctioning off everything he’s ever owned. Why? I would assume he’s bankrupt or something, but I don’t care enough to do the research. The important thing is that there’s now a digital catalog for an upcoming auction that seems to include every knick-knack Michael Jackson ever bought.

I’ve always been a big supporter of Michael Jackson…’s music. Thriller. Billie Jean. Beat It. Blame It On the Boogie. Black or White. Smoothe Criminal. The guy has released some awesome material. I don’t know about his personal life and what did or didn’t happen involving young children and Jesus Juice, but flipping through this catalog made the accusations seem less surprising. Especially around page 121 when we start to see life-size statues like this fine gentleman:

Shortly after, he’s followed by some other unusual, artificial company:

Or worse yet, this little darling:

Now, I have to admit, when I started flipping through the catalog I was a little jealous. Mainly because MJ has/had an insane arcade collection.

I was talking to my friend Mike about our future mansions (see Mike’s here) at the time, and I quickly decided one rule for my own eventual arcade collection: Shooters and Racers only – mainly because most other arcade games seem unnecessary compared to home consoles. Then I saw MJ’s arcade collection included The Simpsons arcade game, which was undeniably the best game in all of Star City, Rocky Mount’s own roller skating rink. Of course, once I saw The Simpsons arcade game I was reminded of TMNT and decided those would be two amendments to my rule. Then I was later reminded of the X-Men and Avengers games and made another amendment to include all 4-player beat-em-ups. Then I made an amendment to allow for pinball machines. Then I made an amendment to allow for a DDR Machine. Then I made an amendment that I shouldn’t bother calling any ideas I come up with “rules” because I inevitably change them 37 times.

All that to say: Yes, for many, many pages I thought Michael Jackson was a pretty awesome guy. If he had all these things I wanted, surely he couldn’t be that bad, right? And then I got to the statue collection.

At first it was innocent: Batman, Superman, Spider-Man – still all cool, comicbook geek things I would not mind keeping in a basement (since I would have several basements) in my billion dollar Bullshish Embassy just so I could say I had them. But then as you get further into it you get to the inexplicably realistic wax models of people no one should have wax models of. Chefs, maids, nutcrackers, soldiers, butlers, children, old women, train conductors…and suddenly I wasn’t jealous of Michael Jackson anymore.

At all.

Love his music, but something is wrong with that guy.