SB

As you should be well aware from Christmasfest, I love Christmas. My parents were kind enough to give me all their old string-lights since they have upgraded to net lights, so things were looking up for Christmas in Wilmington. After getting back home from Thanksgiving, my roommate Mike and I set to decorating our house while the others were at work. Oh what a wonderful treat they were in for when they got home.

Pictures taken by Chris and stolen from his Facebook.

I know. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? As if God himself ate some bad tinsel and vomited illumination all over our front yard. So in a sense, you could argue that Mike and I have god-like decorating skills. Or you could argue that we decorate like third graders with barely a sense of pattern or effort. You know, whichever.

There were originally lights around the window on the left, but trying to maximize our ghetto-ness we used duct tape to put everything up. Now, generally this would be a great idea as far as insuring the lights stayed where we put them, but when you factor in the nice, hefty layer of dust that consumes our house, we were essentially sticking duct tape to dirt which is less foundationally stable than you might assume. It also didn’t help that we nearly killed ourselves by balancing barstools on things to get those up there, so when they fell down the next day laziness won out and they stayed wherever they fell. I’d also like to draw attention to Mike’s beautifully designed “M” that’s on the bush for no particular reason.

To make sure that guests feel welcome, we have the ever-hospitable Gray Man keeping watch over our front porch by candle light. Originally we were also going to dress up a giant Spider-Man that Mike has and sit him in the chair to serve as our own web-slinging Santa Claus but things (read: costs of Santa Suit) fell through and that didn’t happen.

Here you can see our flawless wiring skills put to good use.

And lastly, the one part of our Christmas decorations that looks normal/half-decent: Our Christmas tree. I picked up this pre-lit fake for $35 at Wal-Mart. Totally worth it. It’s CHRISTMASTIME.

I’ve decided to start a new series here on SuperBull called “Why America Rules” that I’ll be adding to whenever the hell I feel like it.

Today’s reason America rules is a countdown of my five favorite sandwiches (and the meals they go best with) in the whole entire world. If you know me, you know I’m absurdly skinny, but that my diet certainly doesn’t support that fact at all. I eat whatever I want whenever I want with money as my only real deterrent. Yes, I realize the fact that I’m skinny and eat like this does NOT mean I’m healthy. Die young, make a pretty corpse.

I really don’t bother to calorie count. Hell, I’m not even completely positive what a calorie MEANS, but these are the best estimates I can come up with based on either the backs of the packages or the restaurant websites. I know that however they work, people usually like to count them if they’re watching their weight. Me? I like to use them as an opportunity to brag about how quickly I’m killing myself.

5. My Personal Homemade Specialty Sandwich

This is what my stupid budget typically allows me to eat several times per week. It’s cheap and delicious.

From top to bottom:

1. White wheat toast
2. Pepperjack Cheese (toasted on bread beforehand)
3. Ranch dressing
4. About…7 pieces of deli cut Oscar Mayer turkey (estimate)
5. Three pieces of real pork bacon (of 6 pieces of precooked bacon)
6. Pepperjack cheese (toasted on bread beforehand)
7. White wheat toast

Estimated calorie count: About 400-ish
Estimated cost: $2?

Recommended side items: Chips. Doritos, Cheeto’s, Lay’s, doesn’t matter. CHIPS.
Final calorie count: (depends on the chips) Around 700-ish

4. My Ultimate Subway $5 Footlong

I used to haaate Subway until their $5 Footlong deal started. Once that prompted me to actually try to find something I’d like, I succeeded awesomely and discovered the following.

Here’s what you order:

1. Spicy Italian $5 footlong (that’s a lot of pepperoni and salami)
2. Toasted
3. Add shredded cheese
4. Add Jalepenos
5. Add ranch
6. No lettuce, no tomatoes,etc.

Estimated calorie count: 900
Estimated cost: $5 (obviously)

Recommended side items if you’re man enough to Combo it:
Sea Salt Chips to balance against the spicy, and a regular Coke.

Final calorie count: Around 1200? (+ $2)

3. #1 Chick-Fil-A Chicken Sandwich Combo

This is an old classic. Of the fast food sandwiches on this list, this is the healthiest. When I worked at Chick-Fil-A during my senior year of high school I ate one of these literally 4 or 5 times per week and I never got tired of it. If anything, it may have started an addiction seeing how I still pick one up far more often than I’d like to admit.

Here’s what you order:

1. A #1 combo (CFA combo)
2. Add Provolone cheese
3. Value size, with a Coke
4. 1 pack of buffalo sauce – For sandwich
5. 1 packet of ranch dressing (NOT the ranch sauce pack) – For fries

Estimated calorie count (sandwich only): 550
Total calorie count: 1400

Estimated cost: $5-6

2. The Burger King Quadstacker

This one’s a little tricky because apparently Burger King realized they were selling people a heart attack and stopped advertising this monster of a sandwich. But don’t be fooled, they still will ring it up and make it for you if you ask for it. For the uninformed, a quadstacker goes something like this from top to bottom: bun, beef, cheese, beef, cheese, beef, cheese, beef, cheese, bacon, bun. It’s everything that’s wrong and everything that’s right about America in sandwich form.

Here’s what you order:

1. Quadstacker combo, no stacker sauce
2. “Go large” (i.e. large fry, large drink)
3. With a Coke

Estimated calorie count (sandwich only): 1010
Final calorie count: About 2000

Estimated cost: About $7

1. Checker’s Bacon Philly Cheesesteak Burger

I just met this baby a few weeks ago and it’s quickly – if only temporarily – turned Checkers into my favorite fast food place. This sandwich rocks my face off.

What’s on it:

1. Soft Texas toast for the buns
2. Plenty of bacon
3. Shredded cheesesteak beef
4. Swiss Cheese
5. Mayonnaise
6. Beef hamburger patty
7. NO ONIONS (well, technically they are, but you should totally drop that shit)

Estimated calorie count: 560

Recommended side items:
Whatever you feel like eating with it. It’s not going to live up to the awesomeness of the sandwich itself, so it really doesn’t matter.

Final cost:
I have no idea. It seems to only be running as a temporary special, but if it stays after they end the sale, I’d guess it’ll be around $4. Right now it’s 2 for $5.

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And there you have my five favorite sandwiches ever. Want to make me a happy Caleb? Randomly present with any of these orders without making me pay you back. I’ll love you for at least half an hour (or until shortly after the food is gone).

As I’ve briefly mentioned, I’ve been working on the stage production of It’s a Wonderful Life. Well, turns out this is both immensely tiring and surprisingly stressful since everything is live and on a very fast schedule. Long story short, when I was invited to the after party a couple days ago, I couldn’t say no. So I took my half-gallon (left) of Captain Morgan’s packed it in my car, ran the show, and headed to the party.

I ended up having a lot of fun, but that lot of fun also involved me being shit-faced for about three hours, and sobering up for an additional hour just to be safe. I drink with three rules:

1) I don’t drink unless other people are drinking.

I have an addictive personality, and I know that. Because of this, I don’t allow myself to touch alcohol unless other people are drinking. Period. I don’t hang out with anybody that drinks that much so this really only results in me drinking every month or two – which is perfectly fine with me. I don’t need it all, I just enjoy it on occasion.

2) I don’t drink unless I’m getting drunk/heavily buzzed (depending on my mood)

Alcohol tastes like shit. Even my personal favorite drink, rum and coke, while delicious compared to any other alcoholic drink I’ve had, is minimally tasty. I don’t subscribe to the idea that drinking makes you cool or the more you drink the cooler you are. I drink because it’s fun to feel good. It’s not exactly rocket science to figure out the amount I need to drink to feel how I want to feel, cram that into one or two Cokes (depending on my mood – my rum and cokes are always somewhere between triples and quadruples), and go on with the rest of the party.

3) I will not go NEAR a car until I’m absolutely positive I’m safe.

I don’t have a deathwish. Dying is not on my agenda. If I were tired and still not sober, I would sleep on someone’s couch or floor before I’d get in a motor vehicle. I don’t want to kill myself, and I certainly don’t want to kill anyone else. I’m not going to become one of those stories. This rule also means I never drink if I have ANYTHING to do the next day at all. If I drink, I wanna know I have an entire day to do nothing ahead of me.

Last night was a “drunk” night, so it took a good 4 hours from my initial two trip/quads in the first half hour before I was good. But it was totally worth it. My job on the crew consists of listening for cues on a headset for the entire show and pulling surprisingly heavy ropes for 3 hours to get backgrounds in and out. So basically, I never have time to talk to anyone. It was a good excuse to just sit around and shoot the shit.

So, all that to say, Alcohol is the Grinch that stole Christmasfest.

Christmas is a time where the radio plays approximately 500 versions of about 30 different songs. Occasionally, a new, original piece will rise to popularity, but generally it’s the oldies and their reinventions that have remained a staple of the season.

Behold my Top Ten Favorite Christmas Covers. These are all songs – some really old, others somewhat newer – that have been recorded by someone other than their original artist. If you want to sample them, the song names link to the YouTube for it, but the videos there seem to be really random and the audio quality kinda sucks.

Alternately, you can download the normal MP3 versions of all ten of them for your own collection here (right-click, save as), but you have to get them all at once (44 MB).

1. Sleigh Ride by Relient K

- 1949, originally recorded by Arthur Fiedler and The Boston Pops Orchestra

2. Do You Hear What I Hear? by Carrie Underwood

- 1969, originally recorded by Harry Simeone Chorale

3. Angels We Have Heard on High by Josh Wilson

- Originally translated to English in 1862 by James Chadwick

4. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer by Jack Johnson

- 1948, originally recorded by Harry Brannon; popularized by Gene Autry in 1949

5. Someday at Christmas by Remy Zero

- 1967, originally written and recorded by Stevie Wonder

6. Last Christmas by Jimmy Eat World

- 1984, originally recorded and popularized by Wham!, written by George Michal

7. O Come O Come Emmanuel by Enya

- Really, really old; tune may have originated in the 8th century, lyrics around the 12th century, and translated in the mid-19th century.

8. Santa Clause Is Coming to Town by Faith Hill

- 1934, originally popularized by Harry Reser featuring Tom Stacks

9. Jesu Bambino (The Infant Child) by Plankeye

- 1917, Italian Christmas carol

10. O Holy Night by Celine Dion

- 1847 Christmas carol composed by Adolphe Adam