The Chenders Zone

#27 Midnight Meat Train

I’ve seen this before and liked it quite a bit, but my mom of all people wanted to see it, so I gave it another go. My thoughts on it haven’t really changed. It still has too much CG blood and eyeballs and stuff, but it’s still a really slick and well put together little film. My mom even ended up liking it! She’s the best.

#28 The Bird with the Crystal Plumage

Another Argento giallo, this one actually being Argento’s solo directorial debut. I loved it. If I had to compare it to Tenebre (since they are both conventional giallo’s and I just watched that), I’d say the characters in this are much more likeable, the soundtrack is MUCH better (which is no surprise since it was done by Ennio Morricone), and it just seems tighter and more suspenseful. I do think Tenebre is more memorable, but this still feels like the better film between the two for me. It is lacking in the gore department though, so if you are looking for some of those famous Argento kills, you will have to look elsewhere.

#26 The Lost Boys (1987)

I was feeling like shit, I was burnt out on movies, I was burnt out on the internet, I was burnt out on life. The cure?

I love The Lost Boys. I’ve seen it a thousand times, and it never gets old. The endless amount of one-liners, the 80’s music, the odd assortment of characters, the head chomping, it’s all perfect. It’s the perfect 80’s movie. Everything about it is so… cool.

Is there a cooler movie in the world than The Lost Boys? Kiefer Sutherland is by far the coolest vampire ever, the crazy grandpa is cool, the frog brothers are cool, the greasy saxophone player is cool, even Corey Haim with the worst wardrobe in the history of film manages to make his clothes look almost cool.

And by the way, I’m probably not feeling too well because I haven’t slept well in a few days - since seeing Paranormal Activity. For whatever reason, my tv has been frequently making loud clanking noises in the middle of the night, and I wake up every. single. time.

#25 Tenebre(1982)

Tenebre is the first of a bunch of Argento films I’m going to be watching in the next week or so. Argento has directed some of my all-time favorite horror films, including Suspiria, Opera, and Inferno, but he’s also made quite a few clunkers like Mother of Tears and The Card Player. I think I would rank this just behind those top three and ahead of Phenomena, so it’s one of his better films. Tenebre follows an American writer in Rome who finds someone is using his novels as inspiration for murdering prostitutes and flirty teenage girls and everyone else that gets in the way.

There is nobody in the film industry who can create violent, memorable deaths quite like Argento. Tenebre in particular may have the highest amount of crazy-ass, violent kills that I have seen from him. Also awesome - John freakin’ Saxon. But just like in the majority of his films, bad dubbing and that whole electro-jazz horror soundtrack is prevalent. I’ve never been a huge fan a lot of the music he chooses to put in his films, and I’m not sure how much sense the film actually makes, but outside of that it’s a very fun murder mystery.

#24 Tourist Trap (1979)

I’m so disappointed in this. It could have been scary, it should have been scary, but the awkward attempts at humor and the killers voice that sounded like it was out of a cartoon killed it for me. And he just wouldn’t shut up, either. The film starts out with a guy stumbling upon a place with freaky-ass mannequins. The mannequins start moving around and cackling while objects in the room are being thrown at the guy, eventually killing him. Soon, his friends come looking for him and eventually meet our cartoonish buffoon-sounding killer, who is being praised in every other review I’ve seen of the movie for some stupid reason.

If it had just kept that same tone established in that very first scene and never allowed the masked killer to talk, I think I would have loved it. It’s very similar to the House of Wax remake, structurally. Hell, I’d say the House of Wax remake is a lot closer to being a remake of this than the original House of Wax.

Also, Tonya Roberts in this = HOT. Like absurdly hot.

Paranormal Activity

Back in 1999, with hoopla and rumors surrounding it, I walked into the movie theater, young and dumb, to see The Blair Witch Project thinking it was real. I walked out of the theater numb from what I had just seen. Never had anything in the movie theater affected me that much, and no movie period had since The Exorcist when I was like 9 years old (thanks mom!). I walked out of Paranormal Activity with that same numbness.

Will it have the same effect on everyone? I doubt it. The film is pretty much tailor-made to scare the hell out of me, and that is why I became so obsessed with it when I first saw teasers for it a few years ago and then read the Dreadcentral rave review of it a few days later.

I can’t be the only person that is absolutely terrified of sleeping, right? That’s a terrible way of putting it. I can’t be the only person afraid of what is happening AS you are sleeping, right? Weird noises, objects just randomly rolling around on your desk, the possibility of waking up and seeing a figure standing directly over you? That is why sleepwalkers scare the shit out of me. If I get married and find that my wife sleepwalks, it’s over.

And I would never set up a camera in my bedroom as I sleep for fear of actually capturing anything weird like the door or my bed sheets randomly moving. I would never sleep again and lose my mind.

So yeah, I’ve got these deep-seeded issues which may or may not be normal, and this film plays to pretty much every single one of those fears. And it takes it beyond what I could have imagined that it would. Horror trailers tend to give too much away and show the scariest moments, but that isn’t the case here. Just thinking about one of the nights in particular is still making the hair on the back of my neck stand up. But lets get back to the beginning because I haven’t even explained what this film is for those who don’t know.

The entire film is “found footage” through a camera that the boyfriend, Micah, buys to hopefully capture some paranormal activity that has been following his girlfriend Katie around since she was about 8. It is initially structured to where the camera is set up pointed at them as they sleep during the night, and then the days are spent with Katie freaking out about what happened the previous night and Micah clearly not taking the situation as seriously as he should be. Initially. That is as far as I’ll go.

Do you know what this and every great ghost, demon, whatever movie has in common? Sound design. How have all the shitty haunting movies not realized this yet? Loud-ass stings alone wont make something scary; it’s the little things. Foot steps, knocking, light switches, and just the ambience in general (and especially when the presence is… present).

For those detractors of Blair Witch worried about the film not actually showing anything, fear not. It isn’t like Ghost Hunters where Jason and Grant see a shadow but of course they don’t catch it on cameras. There is a good blend of things shown and things left to the imagination.

For those worried about motion sickness or something, you shouldn’t get it here. It’s not nearly as shaky as Blair Witch or Cloverfield or friggen Saving Private Ryan for that matter. It still is one of those “found footage” films though, so if you for whatever reason have an irrational hatred of all of those films, you should probably stay away.

Minor complaints - the acting isn’t completely believable all the time, especially when they are pissed off. And the ending - the theatrical ending is different from the ending screened back in 2007. From what I’ve read, I think I would have preferred the original ending, but I still enjoyed the ending I saw save for the last second of it. I’m sure they’ll include the original ending on the DVD anyways as well as all of the other stuff that was cut.

I could write more, but I don’t want to spoil anything or hype it up any more than it already has been. It plays to my fears, and to me it’s one of the two or three scariest movies I’ve ever seen, although it isn’t quite the scariest experience I’ve had watching a movie due to the circumstances surrounding films I watched like The Exorcist. Seriously, I was fucked up for years after watching that. Thanks again, mom!

People are going to love it, and people are going to despise it. Like seriously, it’s going to be like the movie ruined their life and they are going to make sure that the whole world knows about it. I’ve already seen it starting to happen. I’m never going to understand these people, but I hope you are able go to the theater and judge it for yourself, because it’s something that really need to be experienced in a movie theater.

#21 Zombieland (2009)

I’m not going to say much about it even though I should because it’s already been covered extensively by Caleb, Connor, Doug, and every other blog in the world, and I’m really trying to catch up on these days so I can finish my scariest moments list. It’s a blast. Really, really fun stuff, it’s funny, it made me fall in love with Emma Stone, and it has one of the greatest cameos ever.

And by the way, is this a great year for horror or what? Between this, Trick ‘r Treat, Paranormal activity, Drag Me to Hell, and a few lesser known ones like Acolytes and a bunch of others I can’t think of at the moment, this is the best year I can recall in at least a decade. And I haven’t even seen the Orphan, Thirst, Antichrist, Pontypool, and a host of others that have gotten loads of hype.

#22 Friday the 13th (1980)

This is why the Friday the 13th series is great. You can just pop any of them in at any moment and have a good time and not have to worry too much about continuity or any of that mess. For whatever reason, my dvd player was screwed up at the time and the picture was black and white, and it actually works pretty well as a black and white film except for the night scenes. It looks like people are just walking around in a black abyss. A few moments I find hilarious:

• Pointlessly taking the canoe out to save the drowning guy.

• Even more pointlessly throwing the lifesaver a foot out into the water when someone had already saved him and he was right next to the dock.

• Crazy Ralph hiding in the closet. How long was he in there for?

• The Katherine Hepburn impression.

• And poor Betsy Palmer gets her ass kicked. First, she gets KO’d with a little uppercut, and then she gets KO’d again by a frying pan as she’s wielding a machete, and then the whole beheading thing.

#20 Alice, Sweet Alice (1977)

Yet another great slasher that I’m really disappointed in myself for not seeing until now.  Alice, Sweet Alice is set in the 60’s and follows Catherine and her two daughters, Alice and Karen (Brook Shields screen debut!). On the day of Karen’s first communion, she is strangled to death and set on fire by  someone wearing the school’s yellow raincoat and one of those really creepy kind of translucent masks that you used to always see in Walmart. Immediately afterwards, Alice walks in with Karen’s bridal thing, and a nun discovers the fire. People are immediately suspicious of Alice, and the suspicion only grows when it becomes clear that she is quite the disturbed little 12 year old.

It actually caught me completely off guard with how disturbing and violent this was, especially considering the accused is a 12 year old girl. The murder of 9 year old Karen at the beginning is especially brutal. But behind the violence and brutality is a really well crafted, intelligent, and original film. I really haven’t seen anything like it. It’s really well shot, the score is great, and even the performances are all good, Paula Sheppard as Alice especially. Seriously, how has she only been in two films her whole career?

Anyhow, it’s another instant favorite of mine. I may just be overreacting, but I’m seriously considering adding it to the Black Christmas level. It probably needs another rewatch for confirmation.

#18 The Tenant (1976)

The Tenant is the last film in Polanski’s “Apartment Trilogy” following Repulsion and Rosemary’s Baby. The film follows Trelkowski, played by Roman Polanski himself, as he slowly descends into madness when he is alienated by his fellow tenants in his new apartment.

The slow-building paranoia, those creepy ass people staring in the windows, it’s surreal, dream-like visuals, and the BIZARRO! moments make for one of the more intriguing films I’ve seen in a while. I was a bit surprised by Polanski as well when he did a fine job as the lead actor. It isn’t quite on the same level as Rosemary’s baby, but it’s still very good.

#19 Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

I was in the mood for some gooey, teleporting, extremely pissed off Jason Voorhees, so I popped in Jason Takes Manhattan. I choose NOT to defend this one as much as some of the others because it really is pretty goofy, but it’s still really fun, and better than Jason Goes to Hell and X at least. The new scenery is a nice change of pace and it had some quality kills. What more could you ask for in the eighth movie of a series?

#17 Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)

An antagonist with a compulsion to stick metal scrap into his body? BIZARRO!

Above mentioned metal fetish guy haunting our main character, “Japanese Salaryman”, after he hits and kills him with his car, and then turns his body into scrap metal? BIZARRO!

Robo cats? BIZARRO!

A power drill for a penis? BIZARRO!

Female impaled with power drill penis? BIZARRO!

The two ironmen merge, form somewhat of a super zord and decide to turn the world into metal and rust? BIZARRO!

I have nary a clue as to what I witnessed. Think of it as something like Eraserhead overdosed on cocaine and speed. I wasn’t quite in the right frame of mind to watch something like this - I really should have done more research before I started it. Either way, visually, it is really… something to see. I wouldn’t call it horror though, so this is the first film I’ve been really disappointed in this month.